Speaking French when you really don't have a clue

The good thing about learning French in a language school, like Alliance Francaise for example, is that lots of information goes into your head. The not-so-good thing is that the information kind of gets stuck there, and unless you have a chance to use it, revise it, practice it, make mistakes and try again, in real life and lots and lots of times, the information just stays rather well-wedged between stuff you already know, and does not trip lightly to the tip of your tongue as you dreamt it would.

I appreciated every second I was sitting in my French language school in New Zealand. I just didn't get enough practice, and I reckon it took a new grammar rule or piece of vital information about two months to start making sense (that's after the lesson). I was, however, pretty confident with Bonjour and Au revoir.

So, if you are ever in France and know a little, little bit of French but really not very much and certainly not enough to feel fully confident in a two-way conversation, here's a tip or two:

• It really helps to start your conversation in French. Even if your French is clumsy, confused and incorrect, at least you are giving it a go, and that is a Big Gold Star for you in the eyes of the erudite French person you are speaking with. Don't worry about being perfect, or even accurate. Don't worry about blushing or stammering. Don't worry about your accent or your masculin or feminine. Just try to be understood, and to understand.

• Quickly learn the following phrase: "Bonjour Madame/Monsieur. Je suis de Nouvelle Zelande (or wherever). Je parle un peu francais. Parlez lentement pour moi, s'il vois plait." Hello. I am from New Zealand. I speak a little French. Speak slowly for me, please.

• Google Translate provides a quick and helpful translation service online (free) that you can access. We often had to prepare the basic text of our conversations like that (type it in English and print or write out the French translation and take it with us). Key words, key phrases, key questions are all things you can come back to if the conversation spirals out of control. Often I would just (and still do) go back to the last thing I know that I understood the response to, and repeat it.

• It also helps to apologise for your shocking French (if you feel you need to). This will often prompt the kind French person to respond with, "Oh no, your French is much, much better than my English!". You know they are generally being generous with the truth, but it's an encouraging response. You usually debate that a bit ... "Mais oui!" "Oh no!" "Mais oui, absolument!" "Oh no, not at all!"... and then carry on.

• If you would like a French person to speak to you in English, be sure to ask them if they speak a little English. "Parlez-vous un peu anglais, peut-etre?" The key words are a little/un peu. Because ... if you ask them whether they speak English or not, they will say no (the French person will probably be a perfectionist and will presume that because they don't speak English perfectly, then they don't speak English at all! Curious but generally true!). But if you ask them if they speak just a little English, they will generally 'fess up to that, and away you go.

• Often the problem is that you get your side of the conversation all prepared, but you can't understand a jolly thing that is said back to you. Ask the nice person to speak slowly to you. And repeat your request if they speed up again. "Vous parlez trop vite pour moi; parlez plus lentement, s'il vous plait." Then, if all else fails, speak very quickly but kindly in English, something like "I am speaking very quickly to you English because I don't think you will be able to understand me and I want to give you a little hint as to how it feels for me to not be able to understand you right now." If you do this with a mean attitude, the conversation is over (don't do this with bureaucrats!!), but if you do it at the perfect moment, and with a little smile, they will slow down and be your friend, often with an apology and a comment like "Ah, French, eet eez veery difficult, no!?" (and then you realise they spoke post-graduate degree level English after all – arrggghhh!!!).